The Internet Friendship Diet

Lately, I've packed on one or two pounds due to uncontrollable eating and a lazy factor that puts even the greatest couch enthusiast in the world to shame.

I've exercised lately – about 3 times last week – but I can't help but feel like I'm still not doing enough. So here's what's going down, kiddies.

A while ago, the great sportswriter and blogger Drew Magary made headlines with his fantastic new idea to lose weight: the Twitter Humiliation Diet. Every day, Drew would tweet his weight for all to see. By abandoning his privacy, Drew worked diligently and eventually reached his target weight. It was a rousing success that spawned multiple imitators and scored Drew a bit of fame in the process.

I want to do something like that. I've tweeted my weight before, but not nearly as consistently as Drew did. I wanted to try something a little different.

I know a lot of people. And a lot of these people are hilarious. And best of all, I'm 100% certain all of these people love to talk smack and laugh. So I'm going to harness as much of their creative energy as I can as a motivational tool to keep going.

Starting today, I am going to work out every day. Every. Day. Running, lifting, whatever – it won't matter, as long as I get 30 minutes of some sustained physical activity in every day. And when I'm done with that physical activity, I am going to report what I did in a Facebook post and a tweet.

Sometimes, though, I will not. And here's where you, my friends, readers and followers, come in.

If, by 4:00 pm Pacific, I have not yet posted about my workout, you, my most loving cavalcade of acquaintances, can rip me to shreds with the most vile, hateful, soul-crushing and hilarious insults you can possibly concoct. Post it on my wall, tweet it at me, post a comment here, whichever you prefer. I'm not asking you to be nice. Destroy my very being with your words.

As a bonus, I'm also going to post an update whenever I eat fast food or dine out. You can pretty much tell where I'm going with this – when I eat fast food, you can also slash away with your hurtful, hurtful words. This will probably happen a lot at first, so be ready.

I was going to go with only fat jokes at first, but really, I don't want to limit anybody. I think you guys would work the best if you could branch out into any of my plentiful flaws.

I figure we'll get a couple of good laughs out of it, and it'll be an excellent way for me to shed pounds before beach season. I'm sick of people gathering in crowds so they can push me back into the water to rejoin my pod. See? There's the inaugural joke to get thinks kicked off!

I've decided with a highly appropriate name for all of this: the Internet Friendship Diet. Because I'm certain you'll all be doing this purely out of your concern for my health and overall well-being. Well aren't you guys nice!

So get ready, guys and gals – your chance to verbally assault me can come at any moment.

To be sporting, I'll let you guys take a few practice swings in the Comments section below. Bring the vitriol, you peasants!

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